Category: The Story of a Stupid American in Foreign Lands

American: I’d love to do the wedding! What a gift that you’ve asked. What time should I be there?

Bolivia: Well, the couple will arrive at 10:00, but you don’t need to be there the whole time before. Probably 10:30 is good.

A: Of course. That makes sense for an 11:00 wedding.

B: The invitation says the service begins at 10:00.

A: What? Oh. Well, the verbal instructions must have been a mistake. If the service is at 10, I should be there no later than 9:30.

— 9:30 a.m. —

A: Um. The church building is locked and the lights are off. Do I have the right place? The right time?

B: Look at the invitation. It says 10:00, here.

A: O…kay. I will send messages to some people who should know what’s going on. I mean, I’m presiding at the wedding, so maybe I should know what’s going on, but whatever. Someone should know.

B: No one answers.

A: I can’t possibly contact the groom, can I? He’ll be busy.

B: No, that would be terrible. But you’re panicking, so do it anyway.

A: Okay. Okay, I’ll pester him.

B: He says that they’re beginning at 11:00 on the dot.

A: But… but the invitation says… No, okay, he told me 10:30, so I guess he really meant it. It’s cultural, it’s the time thing again, it’s fine. As long as I have the details correct, I’m not in a hurry. I’ve gotten used to this. Everything is fine. Calm.

— 10:30 a.m. —

A: Well, here I am at the church again! With my robes, and my green stole, because it’s the green season and the couple asked me to wear green specifically because it will match the paraments (hangings) in the church sanctuary.

B: The paraments have been changed to white.

A: Okay. I’ll go home and get my white stole.

— 11:00 a.m. —

A: You know, no one ever told me how I’d know it was time to start. I’d better go ask.

B: Ask whom?

A: You know, now that you mention it—

B: Oh, wait. I just got news that the choir director is stuck in traffic. We’ll have to wait for him.

A: Um. Okay, well, everyone has been waiting for an hour already, so I guess we can wait for a few more minutes.

— 11:05 a.m. —

B: Okay, the choir director is here, and the choir is set up. Is it time to start?

A: I don’t know, you tell me. I still haven’t been given a signal.

B: Why don’t you go ask?

A: Ask whom?

B: I think that’s my line.

A: Okay, there are like ten young men dressed in matching bow ties and suspenders. And ten young women in the same dress. I know that the couple told me that there wouldn’t be a wedding party, but I’m guessing they didn’t understand my question.

B: No, probablemente no entendieron.

A: Yeah, thanks for that. I’ll ask one of them.

B: They said we’re just waiting for the groom. When he gets here, they’ll let the bride know. She’s upstairs, and just about ready.

A: The groom isn’t here yet. It’s after 11:00 and the groom hasn’t arrived for his 10:00 wedding after having told me he’d be here at 10:00.

B: Well, you know him. He was 45 minutes late when you met to go over the service.

A: Fine. Okay. Whatever. All we need is the groom then.

— 11:15 a.m. —

B: Oh look! The groom is here!

A: And in shorts and a T-shirt.

B: He can change fast. He just needs to say hello to everyone first.

A: This is becoming ridiculous.

B: No, it was ridiculous long, long ago.

A: Correct.

B: But hey, now that everyone is here, the choir can start singing!

A: They can indeed. Let’s get this party started.

— 11:35 a.m. —

A: The choir has run out of music. They’ve been singing songs at random out of their folder to stall for time, and now they’re at the end of the folder.

B: That’s okay. The tech people can pipe some YouTube music through the speakers again.

A: What are we waiting for?

B: I don’t know. You’ve seen the groom poke his head in twenty times. Why don’t you go ask.

A: I think I will.

B: Well, it’s just that the bride is stuck in traffic.

A: YOU SAID EARLIER THAT THE BRIDE WAS UPSTAIRS.

B: I was kidding. Besides, this building doesn’t have an upstairs.

A: YOU WERE WHAT.

B: Yes, I know it’s absurd, but the bridesmaids will literally tell you they were kidding earlier.

A: I DO NOT THINK IT WAS A FUNNY JOKE.

B: Hee hee hee. I do.

A: Fine. We’ll wait for the bride. Obviously. We can’t do this without her. Why is there so much traffic?

B: Well, the miners are on strike. I mean, not today. It’s a Saturday. The miners are only striking on weekdays. But everyone will use it as an excuse anyway.

A: You know, I never liked you. Never.

— 12:00 p.m. —

B: Okay, she’s here! We’re all ready to go!

A: Oh thank God.

B: You know, there’s a part of the service where the couple receives a cross as a gift from the congregation. But I don’t see a cross.

A: You know, neither do I.

B: Yeah, we’ll just skip that part.

A: Seriously? You’re rewriting the liturgy two hours after the service was supposed to begin?

B: There’s no big candle either.

A: What?

B: We can’t do the thing where the two individual candles are used to light the center candle, because it looks like there’s no big center candle here.

A: Didn’t you bring the candles?

B: No, I just thought we’d use the ones the congregation had. But it looks like they don’t have those kind of candles.

A: Good planning, you. Okay, anything else you want to spring on me at the last minute?

B: Eh, I don’t know. I don’t remember what all is in the liturgy.

A: YOU WROTE THE LITURGY.

B: Hehehe. Yeah. That’s why some things will be in the wrong order later. You proofread an earlier version of the service. I changed it when you weren’t looking.

A: I’LL CHANGE YOU WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING.

B: Is that supposed to be an insult?

A: I don’t know. But it sounded good in my head. I’m just very annoyed. Anyway. Where’s the bread and wine for communion?

B: Oh, good question. You have them, right?

A: Did you tell me to bring those things?

B: Nnnnnnno…

A: THEN WHY WOULD YOU THINK I HAVE THEM?

B: Well, I mean, you’re the pastor leading the worship service, so I just thought—

A: IT IS A GOOD THING I LIVE HALF A BLOCK FROM THIS CHURCH. I HAVE SOME AT HOME. I WILL GO GET THEM. WE CAN WAIT TWO MORE MINUTES TO BEGIN.

— 12:02 p.m. —

B: The door is blocked and you can’t get in. It’s blocked by the wedding procession. We couldn’t wait for you any longer, so we started without you.

A: Fine. I will sneak into the wedding procession in the middle, and it will look like I belong there. I can fake it all day long.

B: Beautiful. Just leave the Communion supplies here in the vestibule, and you can set it up while the bride’s pastor is preaching.

A: Oh good. I half expected you to tell me I was going to have to preach now, because the other guy is stuck in traffic.

B: Why would you think that?

— 12:20 p.m. —

A: Okay, the sermon has started. I’ll just get the bread and wine ready, and then after the sermon, I’ll walk them up to the altar, and it’ll look like I planned it that way too.

B: Huh. Look at that.

A: LOOK AT WHAT?

B: Well, the wine bottle. It’s empty.

A: IT’S WHAT?

B: I mean, you didn’t plan to have to put Holy Communion together with no notice, so you didn’t buy a new bottle of wine.

A: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

B: I don’t know! But you’ve only got about fifteen minutes to figure it out while this guy preaches!

A: There is a grocery store nearby. I will send a coworker to buy a bottle.

B: Oh, good idea. I hope she gets back in time!

— 12:30 p.m. —

A: She’s back. With a bottle of wine. Perfect.

B: Do you have a corkscrew?

A: DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH?

B: Eh, the congregation might have one. Ask the sexton.

A: Yep. Here we go. Just in time.

— 12:50 p.m. —

B: Great! Now Communion is set up and nobody suspected a thing.

A: Okay. Now, for the little rite where they give the couple a Bible.

B: Yeahhhhhh, the kid with the Bible doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.

A: I CAN TELL HIM.

B: Okay. Bible. I don’t think that was the Bible they had in mind, but it worked.

A: Fine. And the weird cultural exchange of coins ritual?

B: COINS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!

A: And the weird cultural wrapping the couple in a chain?

B: Wait until you see this.

A: Oh! Oh, that’s pretty. I was imagining some big ol’ heavy chain.

B: That’s not what I meant.

A: What did you—

B: TANGLED MESS! LET’S TAKE TEN MINUTES TO UNTANGLE IT!

A: At least the rings will be normal.

B: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME SONG!

A: Did the ring bearer just process in with an escort that looks like it’s from the movie “Men in Black”?

B: That is correct.

A: Is the knot attaching the rings to the little pillow going to be impossible to undo?

B: That is also correct.

A: What else can possibly—

B: The groom is now whispering to you about the parts of the service he wants you to skip.

A: I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.

B: But one of the Bolivian pastors will tell you that he loved how joyful and laid back you were, and how you made the wedding a real celebration.

A: WHY CAN EVERYONE CELEBRATE AROUND ME WHILE I AM FURIOUS AT EVERYTHING?

B: You’re just that good.

A: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.

We finished at 1:30. I collapsed into a pile on the floor. It was a lovely wedding. Yeah, even for me.

Now that I’ve moved to Bolivia and been here for about ten days, here is some lovely information about my intestinal health that you never asked for!

• Yes, I am making VERY sure I am never more than twenty steps away from a bathroom.
• No, it was NOT the salad I ate the other day. I did the math. I counted the days, and the salad was too early. Thank God, because it was AWESOME and I want it again. Right now. And forever and ever. Amen.

• Yes, It’s my fault. I did this to myself, and should never be allowed near a kitchen again.
• Yes, those chicken patties WERE weird. I mean, there were other things it could be, but that’s my best guess for now. I’ll make sure I rinse my rice in the future, though, too.

• No, I do not have a fever, chills, blood, or any of the other lovely symptoms of a serious case of… well, the information the travel doctor gave me said it should go away by itself in the next few days at most. Maybe as soon as today! Yay!
• No, waking myself up by screaming and scaring the cat in the middle of a seriously weird bad dream was not a symptom. I think. You know that horrible scene from Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Kahn? Well, imagine that, but— Okay, never mind, sorry, that was more horrible than actually talking about poop.

• Oh God the smell though. I can never show my face in public again. THEY’LL KNOW.
• Anyway, it’s unpleasant, but not worth worrying about. This time.
• Yes, the travel doctor did prescribe for me antibiotics in case it becomes worth worrying about. I have them in hand.
• Yes, I will be more careful in the future. I’d thought I was doing pretty well, boiling all my water and stuff. Transferrable skills from my time in Malaysia! Score one for Southeast Asia!
• Yes, I am also boiling the cat’s water. That is a stink I do NOT want to deal with.

• No, I did not have to worry about fresh produce in Asia. This is one of the new, exciting things about South America that I can learn!
• Yes, I am replenishing my electrolytes or whatever. Thank you, Kathy Mills, for teaching me how. Mmmm, salty, sugary water. Boiled, of course.

In conclusion,

Images from Axios.com; Sofiaalpaso.com; Paramount, obviuosly; and Zillow.com

Malaysia: How’d you like to move out of the guest dorms and into a real apartment?

American: No thanks, I’m pretty comfortable where I am.

M: You’d have a kitchen.

A: I would? Oh. Oh! That sounds nice. Okay I’m in.

M: Heh-heh-heh.

A: What’s that laugh for?

M: Um. It’s just delight at how happy you will be there.

A: Riiiiiiight.

M: Well, welcome to your new home.

A: Thank you! Kind of stark in here.

M: Yes, well, carpeting isn’t really our thing here.

A: That’s fine. It just means I don’t need to vacuum.

M: You will need to mop.

A: Yes, but I can handle that. There’s even a nice spin mop here. Super easy to wring out.

M: Is it? Let’s see what we can do about that.

A: Well, let’s start with this laundry I have. I’ve been saving it for a few days since I knew I’d have my own washing machine.

M: Good idea. Why don’t you turn it on?

A: Wait a minute. I recognize that tone of voice now. I’m smart enough to know that I should check some things first. Water intake hose is secure, and seems to be working. Electricity is good. Lizard poop inside, so I’d better run it once before I use it. How about the— Ha! You almost got me. The drain hose isn’t connected to anything. Now where’s the drain…?

M: You win this round, Bond.

A: No, really. Where’s the drain? There’s no drain here. Let me look around. THERE IS NO WASHING MACHINE DRAIN ANYWHERE IN THE APARTMENT.

M: See that floor drain in the middle of the kitchen floor?

A: Yes, but that’s right in front of the sink. I can’t connect it to that.

M: Oh, not permanently no. Just every time you want to do your laundry…

A: Ugh. Okay. That’s a pain. Whatever. In the hole the drain hose goes. And power on. Look, it’s running just fine.

M: Your socks are wet now. WATER IS EVERYWHERE!

A: But I did everything right!

M: Take a closer look at that hose.

A: Oh. Okay. It’s a cracked mess. This washing machine hasn’t been used in forever, has it? Alexa, add a washing machine hose to my shopping list.

“Smart” Speaker: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding right now. Please try again later when you’re not so far away from the wifi router.

A: Greaaaat. All right, well, let’s get a look at the kitchen. Nice big sink. Where’s the dish drainer? That’s all right; I can pick one of those up, too. Easy.

“Smart” Speaker: Adding dish drainer to your shopping list.

A: I… I didn’t ask.

“Smart” Speaker: I’m still not connected to wifi, since the wind is blowing to the north-north-west.

A: Um. Okay. The Oven.

M: The what?

A: You know, place where I can cook lasagna?

M: Oh. Why would you want one of those?

A: The kitchen doesn’t have an oven?

M: Here’s a little electric toaster oven!

A: That’s not big enough for… okay. That’s fine, I see a range over here, so that’s something. Two burners! Do they work?

M: Go ahead and try.

A: Nah, I almost won at the washing machine; I can beat this one too. Don’t want to get blown up. Let’s see, there’s a pipe underneath, so it’s gas. And the gas line goes to… where’s the gas?

M: Did you honestly think I was going to blow you up?

A: Yes. Okay, though. I have a rice cooker and an induction burner. I’ll be fine.

M: MRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRZAP!

A: Oh hush, you. I figured the cooker out months ago.

M: Touché.

A: Oh cool, though! I have my own water filter in the kitchen! I don’t need to boil water anymore in my own home.

M: Drip. Drip. Drip.

A: It’s dripping. It must not be turned off all the way. Wait, no, it’s turned on. This is as fast as it comes out?

M: Heheheh.

A: Nope, I can handle this. I’m handy. Sometimes. Let’s see. If I turn off the water altogether, and unscrew it here, and here—

M: WATER IS EVERYWHERE!

A: Yeah, fine it already was everywhere. I turned the wrong valve. There are only fourteen of them. Okay, well, I see the filter in here and… it’s disgusting. Alexa, add a water filter to my shopping list.

“Smart” Speaker: The winding is blowing to the south. Adding a hawk and a handsaw to your shopping list.

A: No, I said. Ugh. Nevermind. I’ll just go to the store now.

M: It’s raining now.

A: Oh good. I’ll wait five minutes, and it will stop.

M: It’s raining like a typhoon.

A: Yes, I know. It always does. It’s not a real typhoon, though.

M: WATER IS EVERYWHERE!

A: Yes, I know.

M: WATER IS COMING THROUGH THE CEILING!

A: Yes, I— wait, what?

M: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW PRIVATE LAKE!

A: I’ll just get the mop, then, shall I?

M: It is poorly constructed and the mop head refuses to stay on.

A: Maybe I’ll just swim back to bed.

(It turned out to still be a nice place for a pizza party.)

Malaysia: Do you eat pork?

American: Of course I eat pork. What a weird question. Doesn’t everybo— Oh, right. Predominantly Muslim country, can’t eat pork. I get that. No wonder you ask me all the time. Hey, everybody, what kind of pork do you like? We like bacon in my country.

Canada: Canadian bacon.

American: O… kay? You jumped in there pretty quick with that one.

Canada: Ours is more friendly, eh?

France: Nous prefer-ons le ham.

American: Sure. Croque monsieur and all that.

Germany: Sausagewurst bitte!

American: What… exactly is in that sausage?

Mexico: Al pastor.

American: You eat pastors?

Texas: Ribs.

American: Hey, Texas. Aren’t you part of us?

Texas: Sure, sure. Of course I am. Wink, wink. Hehehehe.

Me: And how about you, Malaysia? For those of you that can eat pork, what’s the best part?

Malaysia: Knuckle.

Me: …I beg your pardon?

Malaysia: Knuckle.

Me: Is… is that a thing? Do pigs even have reticulated digits on thei—

Malaysia: KNUCKLE.

Me: Do you do this to me just for the fun of it? Is this a sport or something for you?

Malaysia: PORK KNUCKLE PORK KNUCKLE PORK KNUCKLE

Yes, those are the finger bones on the right in that photo. Turns out they do have reticulated digits. The moral of the story is that when dining with friends in Southeast Asia, you need to be prepared for the spicy-sour squid thing to be the most normal dish on the table. Also, while pork knuckle meat is indeed very good, most of it is trapped under six miles of fat. Which is also very good, but kind of horrible at the same time. Anyway, happy birthday, Glenn. When it’s my turn, friends, please choose chocolate cake instead.

• It is too hot.
• Life is more fun if you get out of the tourist zone.
• Screaming children in public places don’t bother me that much.
• Public places with air conditioning help because it is too hot.
• When you wander by the Anglican cathedral, glance at all the signs. It is fun to discover that Evensong with Eucharist starts in fifteen minutes. It is less fun to discover, half an hour later, that it was canceled because of the diocesan assembly.
• It is worth walking to another cathedral even if it’s a few blocks in the wrong direction. And Roman Catholic priests do, in fact, preach the gospel as well as Protestants. (Okay, I knew this one before.)
• Also, standing space only in the cathedral at Mass isn’t too bad when you are in front of the air conditioner and it is too hot.
• Spending a very small amount of money on a hotel “capsule” is a smart idea. If nothing else, it will force you to leave the hotel and explore the city.

• Spending a somewhat large amount of money on a meal is also a smart idea when it turns out to be truly high-class, gourmet cooking at a casino buffet where you can eat as much as you want, especially with a coupon in hand.
• The city is not as much fun to explore when it is too hot.
• “He was paying attention to a game on his phone instead of walking” is a totally justifiable motive for murder.
• Restauranteurs shouting at you and shoving food samples in your face should be a justifiable motive for murder, but I think it’s just cultural, because everybody seems to do it.
• You start finding lots of justifiable reasons for murder when it is too hot.
• Spending time in a room with thirteen cats makes everything better.

• So does a good, local coffee shop.
• And a clean, efficient, comfortable, easy-to-navigate mass transit system.
• Even at midnight, Singapore is too hot.

American: It’s ridiculous that, just as I’m figuring out how to manage life around here, I have to leave.

Malaysia: Well, good riddance to bad orang putih rubbish.

A: I— That’s rude. Well, see you never. {slam}

M: He’ll be back.

---

Hong Kong: Welcome!

A: Oh! Oh! I know this one! Ní hǎo! Zǎo chén!

HK: Néi hǒ. Jóu san.

A: Thanks, I— wait. What?

HK: Congratulations on spending months learning Mandarin so you could spend all of your time in Asia in communities that speak Cantonese. Well done.

A: But, this is China, so I thought—

HK: No, this is Hong Kong.

A: But Hong Kong is a city?

HK: {affronted} There is a whole national government here.

A: Oh! Well, “Neigh Hoe” then. I’m delighted to be in the nation of Hong Kong.

HK: Oh, no, no. China. The nation is China. CHI-NA? You know. The big one on maps? You must have seen it…

A: But I— You just said— Well, fine. Anyway, I’m hungry. I’ll just follow the signs that say “food.”

HK: Serenity can be found most readily in open spaces.

A: Well here’s an open space. One big empty airport room. People walk through, but nothing is here. It’s enormous. I thought the sign said there were supposed to be restaurants here.

HK: You will soon encounter the unexpected.

A: I— what? Aah! Why are all the food places along one wall? That’s kind of creepy.

HK: Simplicity leads to virtue.

A: I guess? Well, here’s one that sells bao. I love bao. I could eat bao at every meal and not get tired of it.

HK: Simplicity leads to boredom.

A: Listen. I just want some lunch okay? There are a lot of choices here. Does the woman at the counter speak English?

HK: 對不起，我不可以說英文。

A: Oh.

HK: Don’t worry. You can just point to the menu.

A: You just said that in English.

HK: 什麼的？

A: Fine. I’ll have… these… and this. Good. Mmm, these are really good! I should have ordered more, though; I’m going to be hungry soon. But I’ll feel silly if I go back.

HK: Foolish decisions are seldom made twice.

A: Well, at least I was able to navigate the airport rather quickly, and get to the taxi… sta… um…

HK: A variety of options lies in your future.

A: Yes, I see there are several different taxi companies, and they each have a sign. Well, these signs have a list of… neighborhoods, I guess? None of which match the address I was given. Hmm…

HK: All the information you need is close at hand.

A: You are starting to sound like a fortune cookie.

HK: That is extremely racist.

A: Sorry. I was just frustrated, and I’m feeling like—

HK: LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 7, 13, 27, and 42

A: You do know fortune cookies are an American thing, right?

HK: So is General Tso’s chicken.

A: I’m not sure how this is relevant to the conversation that we are—

HK: The path that lies ahead of you is close at hand.

A: Alright, well, there’s a “N.T.” in the address. Maybe it means “New Territories?” That’s one of the options on the sign on the left. And it’s not on the other one… except that the name of that taxi company is “New Territories Taxi.” Why does the one called “New Territories” not go to the “New Territories?”

HK: The winding road often leads to the greatest adventure.

A: Okay, you know what? I’m just going to pick one. And, hey, it turned out to be the right one!

HK: A wrong decision becomes right when it is made with confidence.

A: Yeah, tell that to the Church. Okay. We’re on our way. And the taxi driver complimented me on my Mandarin Chinese! Or at least, I think he did. I can speak somewhat badly, but I don’t understand a thing anyone says.

HK: Ignorance is bliss.

A: That is a fortune cookie I can get behind. Also, the countryside—

HK: {affronted} Special Administrative District-side.

A: —is very beautiful. Lots of mountains, and lots of green. The city just kind of winds around them, which I suppose is the way it would have to be. But it’s almost like civilization and nature coexist here. Very Zen.

HK: Excuse me. That’s Japanese. We’re Confucian, Taoist, Folk Religious, and Chinese Buddhist. A few other things. Not all Asians are the same.

A: I didn’t say Hong Kong was Zen. I said the countryside typified Zen values.

HK: One who uses generalism is often misunderstood.

A: That would be a terrible fortune cookie. Oh, look! We’re going up!

HK: Your future will bring you to new heights.

A: And up. And up. And the road is down to one lane now, which is kind of uncomfortable…

HK: The narrow path is often the most difficult.

A: Now you’re just repeating me.

HK: The words of a foolish man become jewels on the lips of the wise.

A: You know, you can stick those jewels right up your— Oh, look! We’re here. My God, this is beautiful. The chapel is simple, but the cross is breathtaking. The seminary architecture is clearly Christian, but distinctly Chinese. It radiates the Spirit everywhere. And this over here probably looks down into the valley, which will be a cool sight to see on the day after Transfiguration. Oh!—

HK: …

A: …

HK: Sometimes silence is all the words that are needed.

American: I’m hungry. Maybe I will go out to eat. Everything is cheap here.

Malaysia: Remember last time, when you tried to order food at a restaurant and you got this weird sludge with dried noodles and an unidentifiable meat? And chilies that, for a change, even you couldn’t handle? Or the time before that, when you thought maybe McDonald’s would be easy to deal with, and you accidentally got enough food to feed a small army?

(I thought I was ordering two sandwiches, one beverage, and no fries.)

A: Maybe I will cook. Well, I put hamburger in the refrigerator to thaw. I’ll make chili.

M: Make what?

A: A stew made with tomatoes and beans.

M: I see. Well, what do you need for it?

A: Um. Okay, there’s no chili seasoning at the grocery store. Or this other grocery store. Or…

M: Well, how about online?

A: I found it! Amazon says it’s available from forty-seven different resellers.

M: Only one of them actually ships to Malaysia. It will take you three hours to find the right one. It will arrive in six weeks, and shipping will cost seventy dollars.

A: That is… unhelpful. Okay, I’ll season it myself. There’s got to be a recipe online…. I found one. I’ll just get the ingredients from my grocery store. Pepper…

M: Here is fancy pepper grown locally that costs practically nothing.

A: Off to a good start! Chili powder?

M: Yes, that’s here. Only available in enormous packets that a family of twelve wouldn’t be able to go through in a decade. Two American dollars.

A: Whatever, I’ll buy it, it’s cheap enough. How about garlic powder?

M: Garlic comes in a powder? No, no, no. You can buy minced garlic, though. Or real garlic, if you have the patience to peel it and chop it. You don’t know how to use the medical system here yet, though, so I hope you don’t cut your finger off.

A: Pre-minced it is.

M: Six quarts of it, right? Because that’s the smallest quantity we currently have available.

A: Why in the… Okay, whatever. Onion powder.

M: Also not a powdered thing.

A: Fine. I’ll use onions.

M: Here is your only choice: The label says, “big onions.” In Malay. But your language is good enough now that you can read it. Isn’t that exciting?

A: If this is your idea of big…

M: It just makes more work, for your convenience.

A: Fine. Onions are onions. How about cumin?

M: Do you think this is Mexico?

A: You don’t have cumin?

M: Oh wait! The grocery store website says we do! Of course we do! So go ahead and order it. I promise it will be on the list of items that are not in stock when your order arrives, for you convenience.

A: Oh. Well, while I’m thinking of it, I did like the kimchi I bought last time I was there. I know you have it in stock.

M: Sure we do. But our website is standardized and doesn’t have it there. None for you.

A: Okay, you know what? I’m just going to forget the grocery store, and make chicken satay. I know I have the ingredients for that.

M: Sure! What first?

A: Rice. The package of brown rice says 2-1/2 times as much water as rice, for thirty minutes.

M: Go ahead and turn on the induction cooker, then.

A: I, um. I don’t know how.

M: Here are directions.

A: These words are English, but they don’t go together.

M: If you warranty 1 year, for malfunction of factory. If there is not malfunction, please return to store, they might be able to fix it.

A: Right. Well, there’s a rice button. Let’s see what it does.

M: MRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRZAP!

A: Aaaah! What’s that noise!

M: That is the induction molecules coalescing into something whatever creepy noise.

A: I’ll just put the pot on it now.

M: THE NOISE IS LOUDER!

A: AAAAH! WATER THEN!

M: A sound of sheer silence.

A: I feel like Elijah in the cave. Okay, get the water to boil.

M: Boiling!

A: Put the rice in and maybe press the rice button?

M: Rice-ing!

A: I… I don’t know what that means. Okay, though. Lid on. It’s going to take 30 minutes, but I’d better check on it in 25. I’ll put my clothing in the washing machine in the meantime.

M: It is also in the kitchen.

A: Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be? At least I figured this out weeks ago. Okay, I’ll go get my clothes out of my room.

M: THE KITCHEN IS FILLED WITH SMOKE!

A: OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED!

M: If you were hoping to make cajun blackened rice, you are doing a great job. It is very badly burned.

A: Great. Well, at least the fire alarm didn’t go off. NOT THAT I’D HEAR IT IF IT DID. We played THAT little game a few weeks ago during the fire drill that I napped through. Okay, how to dispose of this?

M: Here is a trash can with a bag that is entirely too thin to handle hot rice, for your convenience.

A: All right. I managed to salvage some off the top that doesn’t taste very burned, and wash the rest into a colander so it wouldn’t go down the drain, and run water over it so that it cools down, and now I can put it all in a plastic zipper bag so it won’t break through the trash bag.

M: You’re so resourceful! (We’ll have to do something about that…)

A: What?

M: Oh, nothing.

A: Okay. Feeling pretty good now. Cut up the chicken and the onions. The onions. Why are they red onions?

M: Why not?

A: I wanted yellow… But these were the only… In the whole store… Fine. I’ll use them.

M: Remember, don’t cut your fingers!

A: Thanks for the unhelpful reminder. Oh God. Why can’t I see? My eyes hurt so much. Oh God. I’ll wash them out in the sink. OH GOD IT’S WORSE WHAT DO I DO.

M: You see, if the onion is smaller, there is less space for the sulfenic acid to go, so it has a higher concentration of that acid, and when you cut into the onion it becomes airborn, and—

A: I DO NOT NEED A CHEMISTRY LESSON. I NEED AN EYE WASH.

M: See, if you had just gotten large onions—

A: IT SAID LARGE ON THE PACKAGE.

M: The pain will subside. Eventually.

A: All Right. Fine. Now I can cook the chicken and the onions. They are in the pan. And sizzling. And it’s working great. Finally something is going righ—

M: BEEP. Your laundry is done. If you do not get it out of the washing machine and hang it up RIGHT NOW it will become a wrinkled mess.

A: I am a little busy just at the moment.

M: The washing machine is not busy, and is waiting for your attention.

A: Okay. Turn off the heat. Get the laundry. Hang it up. Why do I have more clothing than hangers? And why is my clothesline all of two feet long?

M: …For your convenience?

A: Riiiiight. Okay, then, back to the chicken. I’ll just finish it up. Now to make the sauce.

M: The coconut milk is hermetically sealed inside tiny little cartons that are impossible to open.

A: So I see. Okay… I’ll just… How about… I have kitchen shears here somewhere… Where are…

M: Great. What’s next? Peanut butter?

A: Yes. Peanut butter. Good. That was easy. A little sugar. Great. And soy sauce. Wait. Why does this bottle say “manis” on it? Doesn’t that mean “sweet?”

M: Of course. In Malaysia, soy sauce is full of sugar.

A: Sugar? I don’t want any sugar in my soy sauce! I already put sugar in the… Well, whatever. I’ll just open this bottle, and—

M: SOY SAUCE IS EVERYWHERE!

A: Of course it is. Fine. Next, chili powder. Seriously, why is this bag so large?

M: So that I can say CHILI POWDER IS EVERYWHERE!

A: I think I need a good, stiff drink.

M: This is a Christian institution, so you cannot have alcohol here.

A: I— What? I can’t what?

M: {Mumbles something incoherent about John Wesley}

A: I AM NOT A METHODIST!

M: I didn’t ask.

A: Isn’t “No Alcohol” a Muslim rule? At least we can have pork.

M: Please enjoy this tasteless, rubbery snout of wild boar, grilled to perfection.

A: Eyyych. Okay, whatever. How about dessert?

M: Shaved ice with molasses and red beans?

(And “cendol” which looks like, but is not, little green worms.)

A: No. Ice cream?

M: Iced… “confection?”

A: Okay. Fine. How about a Diet Coke.

M: Sure! Coke Light is made with a different sweetener than in your country.

A: Regular Coke?

M: Yep. That too.

A: What are these weird little cakes?

M: I told you: Beans for dessert.

A: Maybe I’ll just go back to sleep.

(I swear I’ve made this satay recipe in the States and it doesn’t turn out like this.)

“The Story of a Stupid American in Malaysia” — Part 1: Morning

American: Good morning! I will check my phone.

Malaysia: It is out of power.

A: But I plugged it in!

M: You forgot to turn on the switch that every outlet is conveniently equipped with.

A: But it’s flipped toward on!

M: No, down means on here.

A: All right, fine. Shower then.

M: Here is a large confusing electrical device that will control the water.

A: Um. Electricity in the shower doesn’t sound like a good—

M: It is perfectly safe, provided you know how to use it correctly. See the convenient safety features?

(Note especially the wire wrapped in electrical tape.)

A: None of its buttons or dials seem to do anything.

M: That might be because you forgot to turn it on as well.

A: Okay. Where is the switch?

M: In the other room, obviously.

A: All right. It’s on now. How do I control the—

M: NOW THERE IS WATER EVERYWHERE! Toilet, sink, floor, ceiling, towel. Everything is wet, just for your convenience.

A: {Muttering} If there was just a shower curtain this wouldn’t be a problem.

M: A shower what?

A: Fine. Fine. Enough showering. I will use the toilet now.

M: Here is a convenient hose you can use instead of toilet paper.

A: A convenient what? Fine, I guess the toilet paper is wet now anyway. Okay, look. I’ll just get dressed.

M: Please do! Your shirt is a wrinkled mess because there is no such thing as a clothes dryer.

A: I— But— No, wait. That’s fine. I brought my clothes steamer; that will take the wrinkles right out.

M: Go ahead and plug it in then.

A: Okay, I’ll just… Um…

M: Where is your electric converter?

A: sigh At home. An hour’s drive away.

M: Oh. Well, good luck with that then. Doesn’t matter anyway, the switch on the outlet is turned off.

A: Maybe breakfast then?

M: Here are the tiniest bananas in the world, cheese that will not spread on the weird homemade rolls someone’s friend’s friend gave you… Oh, and some heavy Indonesian curry that will sit lovely on your stomach this early, made by a student so of course you have to eat it because of local hospitality culture. Hope you like coconut; it’s in the rice!

A: Maybe I’ll just go back to sleep.