Today, we thank you, O God, for rainstorms and for dry balconies from which to experience them. There are few perfect joys in life, things that engage every sense in pleasure. But in every part of the globe, this is one of them. Amen.
Author: Aaron
Today, we thank you, O God, for grocery store delivery. Even if you can’t get quite everything that way. I don’t know why they don’t list that awesome kimchi on the website either, and it is frustrating. But there are worse things in life, and honestly, not having to deal with the stress of finding everything in who knows what aisle, reading food labels in languages you don’t know, and transporting it all home without a car of your own— seriously, this is clearly a sign of your love. Amen.
Today, we thank you, O God, for the hilarious confusion that language causes. Today, the Tower of Babel caused me to tell the security guard that I was going to go have some shoes. Why? The word for “shoe” and the word for “store” are both 5-letter words that start with a K in Malay. Oh well; I’m having fun, anyway. Amen.
Today, we thank you, God, for the gift of living in a place of safety and life. Even though the jerks celebrating the 8th day of the Lunar New Year next door are making it sound like an honest-to-God war zone with their after-midnight fireworks. Amen.
Today, we thank you, God, that most toilets in this country are the sit-down kind, instead of the squat-down kind like I finally had to use today. I ask your forgiveness, and the forgiveness of the janitor that must follow me, each time I face this trial again. Amen.
Today, we thank you God for the sudden downpour that came 30 minutes after returning home, inside the house, from a mini-vacation, instead of yesterday during the four or so hours I was walking around outside Melaka (Malacca). Amen.
Part 1: Morning
“The Story of a Stupid American in Malaysia” — Part 1: Morning
American: Good morning! I will check my phone.
Malaysia: It is out of power.
A: But I plugged it in!
M: You forgot to turn on the switch that every outlet is conveniently equipped with.
A: But it’s flipped toward on!
M: No, down means on here.
A: All right, fine. Shower then.
M: Here is a large confusing electrical device that will control the water.
A: Um. Electricity in the shower doesn’t sound like a good—
M: It is perfectly safe, provided you know how to use it correctly. See the convenient safety features?
(Note especially the wire wrapped in electrical tape.)
A: None of its buttons or dials seem to do anything.
M: That might be because you forgot to turn it on as well.
A: Okay. Where is the switch?
M: In the other room, obviously.
A: All right. It’s on now. How do I control the—
M: NOW THERE IS WATER EVERYWHERE! Toilet, sink, floor, ceiling, towel. Everything is wet, just for your convenience.
A: {Muttering} If there was just a shower curtain this wouldn’t be a problem.
M: A shower what?
A: Fine. Fine. Enough showering. I will use the toilet now.
M: Here is a convenient hose you can use instead of toilet paper.
A: A convenient what? Fine, I guess the toilet paper is wet now anyway. Okay, look. I’ll just get dressed.
M: Please do! Your shirt is a wrinkled mess because there is no such thing as a clothes dryer.
A: I— But— No, wait. That’s fine. I brought my clothes steamer; that will take the wrinkles right out.
M: Go ahead and plug it in then.
A: Okay, I’ll just… Um…
M: Where is your electric converter?
A: sigh At home. An hour’s drive away.
M: Oh. Well, good luck with that then. Doesn’t matter anyway, the switch on the outlet is turned off.
A: Maybe breakfast then?
M: Here are the tiniest bananas in the world, cheese that will not spread on the weird homemade rolls someone’s friend’s friend gave you… Oh, and some heavy Indonesian curry that will sit lovely on your stomach this early, made by a student so of course you have to eat it because of local hospitality culture. Hope you like coconut; it’s in the rice!
A: Maybe I’ll just go back to sleep.
1ª Parte — La Mañana
Americano: ¡Buenos Días! Voy a mirar mi teléfono.
Malasia: No tiene electricidad.
A: ¡Pero lo conecté anoche al enchufe!
M: Olvidaste encender el interruptor que tienen todas los enchufes para tu conveniencia.
A: ¡Pero está en la dirección de encender!
M: No, aquí el abajo es encender.
A: Bien, no importa. Entonces me ducharé.
M: Aquí hay un gran aparato confuso que controla la agua.
A: Ah, electricidad en la ducha no parece como un buen—
M: Está completamente seguro, con tal que sabes como usarlo correctamente. ¿No veas las características convenientes para seguridad?
(Anota primero del cable rodeado en cinta eléctrica.)
A: Parece que ni los botones ni los diales hacen nada.
M: Quizás olvidaste encenderlo también.
A: Bien. ¿Dónde queda el interruptor?
M: En el otro cuarto, obviamente.
A: Vale. Ya lo enciendí. ¿Como manejo el—
M: ¡AHORA AGUA ESTÁ EN TODOS PARTES! Wáter, fregadero, piso, techo, toalla. Todo está mojado, sólo para tu conveniencia.
A: {Murmurando} Si solo hubiera una cortina de ducha, no sería una problema.
M: ¿Una qué de ducha?
A: Bien, bien. Suficiente del ducha. Usaré el wáter ahora.
M: Aquí hay una manguera conveniente que puedes usar en lugar de papel higiénico.
A: ¿Una qué conveniente? Bien, supongo que el papel higiénico ya esta mojado de todas maneras. Ok, mire. Simplemente voy a vestirme.
M: ¡Por favor lo haces! Tu camisa está un lío arrugado porque no existe una secadora en ningún parte.
A: Pero— Yo— No, espere. Esta bien. Traje una vaporera para ropa. Ese eliminaré las arrugas inmediatamente.
M: Entonces, vas a conectarla al enchufe.
A: Pues, solo voy a… em…
M: ¿Dónde está su convertidor de electricidad?
A: {suspiro} En casa. Una hora de lejos.
M: Vaya. Pues, buena suerte con esto. No importa, porque el interruptor del enchufe está apagado.
A: ¿Quizás el desayuno?
M: Aquí hay las bananas más pequeñas del mundo, queso que no puedes untar el los panecillos caseros raros que te dio un amigo de un amigo… ay, y algo de curry indonesio pesado que va a sentirse muy bonito en tu estómago tan temprano, hecho por un estudiante, así que por supuesto tienes que comerlo porque la cultura local valora tan fuerte la hospitalidad. Espero que te gusta coco; ¡está en el arroz!
A: Quizás regreso a dormir.
Losing Home
Blue Christmas Sermon on Isaiah 40 and John 1. Proclaimed at Zion Spies Lutheran Church in Oley, PA.
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