American: I’d love to do the wedding! What a gift that you’ve asked. What time should I be there?
Bolivia: Well, the couple will arrive at 10:00, but you don’t need to be there the whole time before. Probably 10:30 is good.
A: Of course. That makes sense for an 11:00 wedding.
B: The invitation says the service begins at 10:00.
A: What? Oh. Well, the verbal instructions must have been a mistake. If the service is at 10, I should be there no later than 9:30.
— 9:30 a.m. —
A: Um. The church building is locked and the lights are off. Do I have the right place? The right time?
B: Look at the invitation. It says 10:00, here.
A: O…kay. I will send messages to some people who should know what’s going on. I mean, I’m presiding at the wedding, so maybe I should know what’s going on, but whatever. Someone should know.
B: No one answers.
A: I can’t possibly contact the groom, can I? He’ll be busy.
B: No, that would be terrible. But you’re panicking, so do it anyway.
A: Okay. Okay, I’ll pester him.
B: He says that they’re beginning at 11:00 on the dot.
A: But… but the invitation says… No, okay, he told me 10:30, so I guess he really meant it. It’s cultural, it’s the time thing again, it’s fine. As long as I have the details correct, I’m not in a hurry. I’ve gotten used to this. Everything is fine. Calm.
— 10:30 a.m. —
A: Well, here I am at the church again! With my robes, and my green stole, because it’s the green season and the couple asked me to wear green specifically because it will match the paraments (hangings) in the church sanctuary.
B: The paraments have been changed to white.
A: Okay. I’ll go home and get my white stole.
— 11:00 a.m. —
A: You know, no one ever told me how I’d know it was time to start. I’d better go ask.
B: Ask whom?
A: You know, now that you mention it—
B: Oh, wait. I just got news that the choir director is stuck in traffic. We’ll have to wait for him.
A: Um. Okay, well, everyone has been waiting for an hour already, so I guess we can wait for a few more minutes.
— 11:05 a.m. —
B: Okay, the choir director is here, and the choir is set up. Is it time to start?
A: I don’t know, you tell me. I still haven’t been given a signal.
B: Why don’t you go ask?
A: Ask whom?
B: I think that’s my line.
A: Okay, there are like ten young men dressed in matching bow ties and suspenders. And ten young women in the same dress. I know that the couple told me that there wouldn’t be a wedding party, but I’m guessing they didn’t understand my question.
B: No, probablemente no entendieron.
A: Yeah, thanks for that. I’ll ask one of them.
B: They said we’re just waiting for the groom. When he gets here, they’ll let the bride know. She’s upstairs, and just about ready.
A: The groom isn’t here yet. It’s after 11:00 and the groom hasn’t arrived for his 10:00 wedding after having told me he’d be here at 10:00.
B: Well, you know him. He was 45 minutes late when you met to go over the service.
A: Fine. Okay. Whatever. All we need is the groom then.
— 11:15 a.m. —
B: Oh look! The groom is here!
A: And in shorts and a T-shirt.
B: He can change fast. He just needs to say hello to everyone first.
A: This is becoming ridiculous.
B: No, it was ridiculous long, long ago.
A: Correct.
B: But hey, now that everyone is here, the choir can start singing!
A: They can indeed. Let’s get this party started.
— 11:35 a.m. —
A: The choir has run out of music. They’ve been singing songs at random out of their folder to stall for time, and now they’re at the end of the folder.
B: That’s okay. The tech people can pipe some YouTube music through the speakers again.
A: What are we waiting for?
B: I don’t know. You’ve seen the groom poke his head in twenty times. Why don’t you go ask.
A: I think I will.
B: Well, it’s just that the bride is stuck in traffic.
A: YOU SAID EARLIER THAT THE BRIDE WAS UPSTAIRS.
B: I was kidding. Besides, this building doesn’t have an upstairs.
A: YOU WERE WHAT.
B: Yes, I know it’s absurd, but the bridesmaids will literally tell you they were kidding earlier.
A: I DO NOT THINK IT WAS A FUNNY JOKE.
B: Hee hee hee. I do.
A: Fine. We’ll wait for the bride. Obviously. We can’t do this without her. Why is there so much traffic?
B: Well, the miners are on strike. I mean, not today. It’s a Saturday. The miners are only striking on weekdays. But everyone will use it as an excuse anyway.
A: You know, I never liked you. Never.
— 12:00 p.m. —
B: Okay, she’s here! We’re all ready to go!
A: Oh thank God.
B: You know, there’s a part of the service where the couple receives a cross as a gift from the congregation. But I don’t see a cross.
A: You know, neither do I.
B: Yeah, we’ll just skip that part.
A: Seriously? You’re rewriting the liturgy two hours after the service was supposed to begin?
B: There’s no big candle either.
A: What?
B: We can’t do the thing where the two individual candles are used to light the center candle, because it looks like there’s no big center candle here.
A: Didn’t you bring the candles?
B: No, I just thought we’d use the ones the congregation had. But it looks like they don’t have those kind of candles.
A: Good planning, you. Okay, anything else you want to spring on me at the last minute?
B: Eh, I don’t know. I don’t remember what all is in the liturgy.
A: YOU WROTE THE LITURGY.
B: Hehehe. Yeah. That’s why some things will be in the wrong order later. You proofread an earlier version of the service. I changed it when you weren’t looking.
A: I’LL CHANGE YOU WHEN YOU’RE NOT LOOKING.
B: Is that supposed to be an insult?
A: I don’t know. But it sounded good in my head. I’m just very annoyed. Anyway. Where’s the bread and wine for communion?
B: Oh, good question. You have them, right?
A: Did you tell me to bring those things?
B: Nnnnnnno…
A: THEN WHY WOULD YOU THINK I HAVE THEM?
B: Well, I mean, you’re the pastor leading the worship service, so I just thought—
A: IT IS A GOOD THING I LIVE HALF A BLOCK FROM THIS CHURCH. I HAVE SOME AT HOME. I WILL GO GET THEM. WE CAN WAIT TWO MORE MINUTES TO BEGIN.
— 12:02 p.m. —
B: The door is blocked and you can’t get in. It’s blocked by the wedding procession. We couldn’t wait for you any longer, so we started without you.
A: Fine. I will sneak into the wedding procession in the middle, and it will look like I belong there. I can fake it all day long.
B: Beautiful. Just leave the Communion supplies here in the vestibule, and you can set it up while the bride’s pastor is preaching.
A: Oh good. I half expected you to tell me I was going to have to preach now, because the other guy is stuck in traffic.
B: Why would you think that?
— 12:20 p.m. —
A: Okay, the sermon has started. I’ll just get the bread and wine ready, and then after the sermon, I’ll walk them up to the altar, and it’ll look like I planned it that way too.
B: Huh. Look at that.
A: LOOK AT WHAT?
B: Well, the wine bottle. It’s empty.
A: IT’S WHAT?
B: I mean, you didn’t plan to have to put Holy Communion together with no notice, so you didn’t buy a new bottle of wine.
A: WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?
B: I don’t know! But you’ve only got about fifteen minutes to figure it out while this guy preaches!
A: There is a grocery store nearby. I will send a coworker to buy a bottle.
B: Oh, good idea. I hope she gets back in time!
— 12:30 p.m. —
A: She’s back. With a bottle of wine. Perfect.
B: Do you have a corkscrew?
A: DO YOU HAVE A DEATH WISH?
B: Eh, the congregation might have one. Ask the sexton.
A: Yep. Here we go. Just in time.
— 12:50 p.m. —
B: Great! Now Communion is set up and nobody suspected a thing.
A: Okay. Now, for the little rite where they give the couple a Bible.
B: Yeahhhhhh, the kid with the Bible doesn’t know what he’s supposed to do.
A: I CAN TELL HIM.
B: Okay. Bible. I don’t think that was the Bible they had in mind, but it worked.
A: Fine. And the weird cultural exchange of coins ritual?
B: COINS ALL OVER THE FLOOR!
A: And the weird cultural wrapping the couple in a chain?
B: Wait until you see this.
A: Oh! Oh, that’s pretty. I was imagining some big ol’ heavy chain.
B: That’s not what I meant.
A: What did you—
B: TANGLED MESS! LET’S TAKE TEN MINUTES TO UNTANGLE IT!
A: At least the rings will be normal.
B: MISSION IMPOSSIBLE THEME SONG!
A: Did the ring bearer just process in with an escort that looks like it’s from the movie “Men in Black”?
B: That is correct.
A: Is the knot attaching the rings to the little pillow going to be impossible to undo?
B: That is also correct.
A: What else can possibly—
B: The groom is now whispering to you about the parts of the service he wants you to skip.
A: I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.
B: But one of the Bolivian pastors will tell you that he loved how joyful and laid back you were, and how you made the wedding a real celebration.
A: WHY CAN EVERYONE CELEBRATE AROUND ME WHILE I AM FURIOUS AT EVERYTHING?
B: You’re just that good.
A: Yeah. Yeah, I guess I am.
We finished at 1:30. I collapsed into a pile on the floor. It was a lovely wedding. Yeah, even for me.