American: I’m hungry. Maybe I will go out to eat. Everything is cheap here.
Malaysia: Remember last time, when you tried to order food at a restaurant and you got this weird sludge with dried noodles and an unidentifiable meat? And chilies that, for a change, even you couldn’t handle? Or the time before that, when you thought maybe McDonald’s would be easy to deal with, and you accidentally got enough food to feed a small army?
(I thought I was ordering two sandwiches, one beverage, and no fries.)
A: Maybe I will cook. Well, I put hamburger in the refrigerator to thaw. I’ll make chili.
M: Make what?
A: A stew made with tomatoes and beans.
M: I see. Well, what do you need for it?
A: Um. Okay, there’s no chili seasoning at the grocery store. Or this other grocery store. Or…
M: Well, how about online?
A: I found it! Amazon says it’s available from forty-seven different resellers.
M: Only one of them actually ships to Malaysia. It will take you three hours to find the right one. It will arrive in six weeks, and shipping will cost seventy dollars.
A: That is… unhelpful. Okay, I’ll season it myself. There’s got to be a recipe online…. I found one. I’ll just get the ingredients from my grocery store. Pepper…
M: Here is fancy pepper grown locally that costs practically nothing.
A: Off to a good start! Chili powder?
M: Yes, that’s here. Only available in enormous packets that a family of twelve wouldn’t be able to go through in a decade. Two American dollars.
A: Whatever, I’ll buy it, it’s cheap enough. How about garlic powder?
M: Garlic comes in a powder? No, no, no. You can buy minced garlic, though. Or real garlic, if you have the patience to peel it and chop it. You don’t know how to use the medical system here yet, though, so I hope you don’t cut your finger off.
A: Pre-minced it is.
M: Six quarts of it, right? Because that’s the smallest quantity we currently have available.
A: Why in the… Okay, whatever. Onion powder.
M: Also not a powdered thing.
A: Fine. I’ll use onions.
M: Here is your only choice: The label says, “big onions.” In Malay. But your language is good enough now that you can read it. Isn’t that exciting?
A: If this is your idea of big…
M: It just makes more work, for your convenience.
A: Fine. Onions are onions. How about cumin?
M: Do you think this is Mexico?
A: You don’t have cumin?
M: Oh wait! The grocery store website says we do! Of course we do! So go ahead and order it. I promise it will be on the list of items that are not in stock when your order arrives, for you convenience.
A: Oh. Well, while I’m thinking of it, I did like the kimchi I bought last time I was there. I know you have it in stock.
M: Sure we do. But our website is standardized and doesn’t have it there. None for you.
A: Okay, you know what? I’m just going to forget the grocery store, and make chicken satay. I know I have the ingredients for that.
M: Sure! What first?
A: Rice. The package of brown rice says 2-1/2 times as much water as rice, for thirty minutes.
M: Go ahead and turn on the induction cooker, then.
A: I, um. I don’t know how.
M: Here are directions.
A: These words are English, but they don’t go together.
M: If you warranty 1 year, for malfunction of factory. If there is not malfunction, please return to store, they might be able to fix it.
A: Right. Well, there’s a rice button. Let’s see what it does.
M: MRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRZAP!
A: Aaaah! What’s that noise!
M: That is the induction molecules coalescing into something whatever creepy noise.
A: I’ll just put the pot on it now.
M: THE NOISE IS LOUDER!
A: AAAAH! WATER THEN!
M: A sound of sheer silence.
A: I feel like Elijah in the cave. Okay, get the water to boil.
M: Boiling!
A: Put the rice in and maybe press the rice button?
M: Rice-ing!
A: I… I don’t know what that means. Okay, though. Lid on. It’s going to take 30 minutes, but I’d better check on it in 25. I’ll put my clothing in the washing machine in the meantime.
M: It is also in the kitchen.
A: Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be? At least I figured this out weeks ago. Okay, I’ll go get my clothes out of my room.
M: THE KITCHEN IS FILLED WITH SMOKE!
A: OH GOD WHAT HAPPENED!
M: If you were hoping to make cajun blackened rice, you are doing a great job. It is very badly burned.
A: Great. Well, at least the fire alarm didn’t go off. NOT THAT I’D HEAR IT IF IT DID. We played THAT little game a few weeks ago during the fire drill that I napped through. Okay, how to dispose of this?
M: Here is a trash can with a bag that is entirely too thin to handle hot rice, for your convenience.
A: All right. I managed to salvage some off the top that doesn’t taste very burned, and wash the rest into a colander so it wouldn’t go down the drain, and run water over it so that it cools down, and now I can put it all in a plastic zipper bag so it won’t break through the trash bag.
M: You’re so resourceful! (We’ll have to do something about that…)
A: What?
M: Oh, nothing.
A: Okay. Feeling pretty good now. Cut up the chicken and the onions. The onions. Why are they red onions?
M: Why not?
A: I wanted yellow… But these were the only… In the whole store… Fine. I’ll use them.
M: Remember, don’t cut your fingers!
A: Thanks for the unhelpful reminder. Oh God. Why can’t I see? My eyes hurt so much. Oh God. I’ll wash them out in the sink. OH GOD IT’S WORSE WHAT DO I DO.
M: You see, if the onion is smaller, there is less space for the sulfenic acid to go, so it has a higher concentration of that acid, and when you cut into the onion it becomes airborn, and—
A: I DO NOT NEED A CHEMISTRY LESSON. I NEED AN EYE WASH.
M: See, if you had just gotten large onions—
A: IT SAID LARGE ON THE PACKAGE.
M: The pain will subside. Eventually.
A: All Right. Fine. Now I can cook the chicken and the onions. They are in the pan. And sizzling. And it’s working great. Finally something is going righ—
M: BEEP. Your laundry is done. If you do not get it out of the washing machine and hang it up RIGHT NOW it will become a wrinkled mess.
A: I am a little busy just at the moment.
M: The washing machine is not busy, and is waiting for your attention.
A: Okay. Turn off the heat. Get the laundry. Hang it up. Why do I have more clothing than hangers? And why is my clothesline all of two feet long?
M: …For your convenience?
A: Riiiiight. Okay, then, back to the chicken. I’ll just finish it up. Now to make the sauce.
M: The coconut milk is hermetically sealed inside tiny little cartons that are impossible to open.
A: So I see. Okay… I’ll just… How about… I have kitchen shears here somewhere… Where are…
M: Great. What’s next? Peanut butter?
A: Yes. Peanut butter. Good. That was easy. A little sugar. Great. And soy sauce. Wait. Why does this bottle say “manis” on it? Doesn’t that mean “sweet?”
M: Of course. In Malaysia, soy sauce is full of sugar.
A: Sugar? I don’t want any sugar in my soy sauce! I already put sugar in the… Well, whatever. I’ll just open this bottle, and—
M: SOY SAUCE IS EVERYWHERE!
A: Of course it is. Fine. Next, chili powder. Seriously, why is this bag so large?
M: So that I can say CHILI POWDER IS EVERYWHERE!
A: I think I need a good, stiff drink.
M: This is a Christian institution, so you cannot have alcohol here.
A: I— What? I can’t what?
M: {Mumbles something incoherent about John Wesley}
A: I AM NOT A METHODIST!
M: I didn’t ask.
A: Isn’t “No Alcohol” a Muslim rule? At least we can have pork.
M: Please enjoy this tasteless, rubbery snout of wild boar, grilled to perfection.
A: Eyyych. Okay, whatever. How about dessert?
M: Shaved ice with molasses and red beans?
(And “cendol” which looks like, but is not, little green worms.)
A: No. Ice cream?
M: Iced… “confection?”
A: Okay. Fine. How about a Diet Coke.
M: Sure! Coke Light is made with a different sweetener than in your country.
A: Regular Coke?
M: Yep. That too.
A: What are these weird little cakes?
M: I told you: Beans for dessert.
A: Maybe I’ll just go back to sleep.
(I swear I’ve made this satay recipe in the States and it doesn’t turn out like this.)