“The Story of a Stupid American in Malaysia” — Part 1: Morning
American: Good morning! I will check my phone.
Malaysia: It is out of power.
A: But I plugged it in!
M: You forgot to turn on the switch that every outlet is conveniently equipped with.
A: But it’s flipped toward on!
M: No, down means on here.
A: All right, fine. Shower then.
M: Here is a large confusing electrical device that will control the water.
A: Um. Electricity in the shower doesn’t sound like a good—
M: It is perfectly safe, provided you know how to use it correctly. See the convenient safety features?
(Note especially the wire wrapped in electrical tape.)
A: None of its buttons or dials seem to do anything.
M: That might be because you forgot to turn it on as well.
A: Okay. Where is the switch?
M: In the other room, obviously.
A: All right. It’s on now. How do I control the—
M: NOW THERE IS WATER EVERYWHERE! Toilet, sink, floor, ceiling, towel. Everything is wet, just for your convenience.
A: {Muttering} If there was just a shower curtain this wouldn’t be a problem.
M: A shower what?
A: Fine. Fine. Enough showering. I will use the toilet now.
M: Here is a convenient hose you can use instead of toilet paper.
A: A convenient what? Fine, I guess the toilet paper is wet now anyway. Okay, look. I’ll just get dressed.
M: Please do! Your shirt is a wrinkled mess because there is no such thing as a clothes dryer.
A: I— But— No, wait. That’s fine. I brought my clothes steamer; that will take the wrinkles right out.
M: Go ahead and plug it in then.
A: Okay, I’ll just… Um…
M: Where is your electric converter?
A: sigh At home. An hour’s drive away.
M: Oh. Well, good luck with that then. Doesn’t matter anyway, the switch on the outlet is turned off.
A: Maybe breakfast then?
M: Here are the tiniest bananas in the world, cheese that will not spread on the weird homemade rolls someone’s friend’s friend gave you… Oh, and some heavy Indonesian curry that will sit lovely on your stomach this early, made by a student so of course you have to eat it because of local hospitality culture. Hope you like coconut; it’s in the rice!
A: Maybe I’ll just go back to sleep.