Malaysia: How’d you like to move out of the guest dorms and into a real apartment?
American: No thanks, I’m pretty comfortable where I am.
M: You’d have a kitchen.
A: I would? Oh. Oh! That sounds nice. Okay I’m in.
M: Heh-heh-heh.
A: What’s that laugh for?
M: Um. It’s just delight at how happy you will be there.
A: Riiiiiiight.
M: Well, welcome to your new home.
A: Thank you! Kind of stark in here.
M: Yes, well, carpeting isn’t really our thing here.
A: That’s fine. It just means I don’t need to vacuum.
M: You will need to mop.
A: Yes, but I can handle that. There’s even a nice spin mop here. Super easy to wring out.
M: Is it? Let’s see what we can do about that.
A: Well, let’s start with this laundry I have. I’ve been saving it for a few days since I knew I’d have my own washing machine.
M: Good idea. Why don’t you turn it on?
A: Wait a minute. I recognize that tone of voice now. I’m smart enough to know that I should check some things first. Water intake hose is secure, and seems to be working. Electricity is good. Lizard poop inside, so I’d better run it once before I use it. How about the— Ha! You almost got me. The drain hose isn’t connected to anything. Now where’s the drain…?
M: You win this round, Bond.
A: No, really. Where’s the drain? There’s no drain here. Let me look around. THERE IS NO WASHING MACHINE DRAIN ANYWHERE IN THE APARTMENT.
M: See that floor drain in the middle of the kitchen floor?
A: Yes, but that’s right in front of the sink. I can’t connect it to that.
M: Oh, not permanently no. Just every time you want to do your laundry…
A: Ugh. Okay. That’s a pain. Whatever. In the hole the drain hose goes. And power on. Look, it’s running just fine.
M: Your socks are wet now. WATER IS EVERYWHERE!
A: But I did everything right!
M: Take a closer look at that hose.
A: Oh. Okay. It’s a cracked mess. This washing machine hasn’t been used in forever, has it? Alexa, add a washing machine hose to my shopping list.
“Smart” Speaker: Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding right now. Please try again later when you’re not so far away from the wifi router.
A: Greaaaat. All right, well, let’s get a look at the kitchen. Nice big sink. Where’s the dish drainer? That’s all right; I can pick one of those up, too. Easy.
“Smart” Speaker: Adding dish drainer to your shopping list.
A: I… I didn’t ask.
“Smart” Speaker: I’m still not connected to wifi, since the wind is blowing to the north-north-west.
A: Um. Okay. The Oven.
M: The what?
A: You know, place where I can cook lasagna?
M: Oh. Why would you want one of those?
A: The kitchen doesn’t have an oven?
M: Here’s a little electric toaster oven!
A: That’s not big enough for… okay. That’s fine, I see a range over here, so that’s something. Two burners! Do they work?
M: Go ahead and try.
A: Nah, I almost won at the washing machine; I can beat this one too. Don’t want to get blown up. Let’s see, there’s a pipe underneath, so it’s gas. And the gas line goes to… where’s the gas?
M: Did you honestly think I was going to blow you up?
A: Yes. Okay, though. I have a rice cooker and an induction burner. I’ll be fine.
M: MRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRZAP!
A: Oh hush, you. I figured the cooker out months ago.
M: Touché.
A: Oh cool, though! I have my own water filter in the kitchen! I don’t need to boil water anymore in my own home.
M: Drip. Drip. Drip.
A: It’s dripping. It must not be turned off all the way. Wait, no, it’s turned on. This is as fast as it comes out?
M: Heheheh.
A: Nope, I can handle this. I’m handy. Sometimes. Let’s see. If I turn off the water altogether, and unscrew it here, and here—
M: WATER IS EVERYWHERE!
A: Yeah, fine it already was everywhere. I turned the wrong valve. There are only fourteen of them. Okay, well, I see the filter in here and… it’s disgusting. Alexa, add a water filter to my shopping list.
“Smart” Speaker: The winding is blowing to the south. Adding a hawk and a handsaw to your shopping list.
A: No, I said. Ugh. Nevermind. I’ll just go to the store now.
M: It’s raining now.
A: Oh good. I’ll wait five minutes, and it will stop.
M: It’s raining like a typhoon.
A: Yes, I know. It always does. It’s not a real typhoon, though.
M: WATER IS EVERYWHERE!
A: Yes, I know.
M: WATER IS COMING THROUGH THE CEILING!
A: Yes, I— wait, what?
M: CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR NEW PRIVATE LAKE!
A: I’ll just get the mop, then, shall I?
M: It is poorly constructed and the mop head refuses to stay on.
A: Maybe I’ll just swim back to bed.
(It turned out to still be a nice place for a pizza party.)